Let’s stop being negative about pregnancy

Alice Sutton reflects on ‘pregnancy shaming’ and why people feel the need to be negative.

At eight months pregnant and approximately eight million kilograms, I’ve noticed a trend amongst the non-pregnant to bang on endlessly with negative comments. People will say awful things. Favourites include: “After we had kids is when my marriage collapsed”; and, “What happened to your belly button? It looks disgusting.”

The advice is even better: “Get all the sleep you can now; you’ll miss that soon.” Wow, thanks for that, genius. Thank goodness you told me; now I can stockpile my sleep and just get it out again once the baby is here – that’s totally how sleep works, thanks a million.Since when has this behaviour become acceptable?

In fact, some of the worst offenders for “pregnancy shaming” are men. One guy, when hearing that I planned on delivering in water, told me, “I know how your story will end up: on your back on the bed with an epidural.” Note to men: do not attempt to mansplain labour. This is not your area!

Did I have a sexier body before I was pregnant? Of course. Pregnancy humbles a woman – the size 14 nightie I bought for labour has resulted less in a “relaxed pregnant woman” look and more “deranged Emma Bunton”. Still, being part of this journey is a privilege. How many couples would give anything to see the little blue cross popup on that Clearblue stick. And how many single girlfriends do I know who have frozen their eggs in the hope of finding somebody suitable to raise children with? A lot. An awful lot.

So, for goodness sake, be supportive. When did you last see athletes standing at the sidelines post-Ironman shouting to those who haven’t finished yet, “It’s exhausting at the end” and “Your knees will never be the same again and you look rubbish in lycra!”.

I should note that it hasn’t been all bad. My husband tells me I am beautiful despite being the size of a whale who could give Kate Moss (post bender) a run for her money face-wise. And then there’s the vegetable man at the wet market who insisted on carrying all my shopping back to the taxi because he didn’t want me doing it now I was “with joy”.

I’m not saying all expectant parents need to be wrapped up in cotton wool. I do not expect my son’s nappy to smell of roses; I do not expect to bounce back quicker than you can say “Miranda Kerr”. But being a realist is not the same as being a pessimist. Let’s be a little more Obama and a little less Trump – let’s actually think about what comes out of our mouths.

To all parents-to-be out there who may be feeling afraid or alone, I would say ignore the noise, look down and remember the big picture. Your body is a miracle. Your baby will love you unconditionally from the moment they leave your womb, however that comes to pass. We are all “with joy”, really.

And to all the nay-sayers, I would tell you the same thing my mother told me: if you can’t say anything nice, then say nothing at all.

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This article first appeared in the June 2018 edition of Expat Living. You can purchase a copy or subscribe so you never miss an issue!