“Am I Outsourcing Motherhood?”

Do you have mum guilt around having a live-in helper in Singapore? While the support can be invaluable, having a helper often brings complicated feelings – relief and gratitude mixed with guilt, jealousy and even fear of being displaced. We asked DR SILVIA WETHERELL from Alliance Counselling about the emotional dynamics of the mother-helper relationship, and how women can navigate it without losing their confidence, connection or sense of self as mothers.

In Singapore, having a live-in helper is almost the norm for new parents. Why does it stir up such complicated emotions?

A live-in helper can bring real relief and real friction at the same time. Mothers hold two truths: I want help and I want to feel central; I’m grateful and I feel watched; I need rest and I want to prove I can do this.

Becoming a first-time mother is a transformational process, often marked by confusion and moments of inadequacy. When another adult is more experienced with babies, the new mother’s voice can be crowded out. Through trial and error, mothers build confidence and intuition. If a helper seems “better” at soothing, a mother may withdraw, which only reduces confidence further.

For second-time mothers it’s usually easier. They’ve been through this stage of matrescence and are clearer on their values, which helps them direct helpers more confidently.

Mum guilt and shame often come up. What lies behind the “Am I outsourcing motherhood?” fear?

Many mothers feel they’re failing no matter how hard they try. Having a helper can intensify the thought: “Because I have help, I should be coping better.”

They compare themselves to others who look effortless, judge themselves for not enjoying every moment, and silence complaints with “I shouldn’t complain, my friend in the UK has it harder.” The ambivalence is constant: torn between accepting help and proving themselves.

For second-time mothers, guilt can come from watching the bond between their first child and the helper while their own energy goes to the newborn.

A reframe can help: you are not outsourcing motherhood – you are learning to accept support while staying clear on your preferences and leading with one instruction.

What about the fear of displacement – that a baby might bond more strongly with the helper?

Many women, especially those who didn’t grow up with helpers, worry their infant will confuse the helper for the mother.

Physiologically, newborns quickly recognise their mother’s scent, voice, skin and heartbeat. Oxytocin helps regulate both mother and baby in a synchronised “dance” that is hard to replace. Other caregivers can build strong bonds too, but this is protective, not competitive.

The key is balance: mothers need daily one-to-one time with their baby. If avoidance creeps in – letting the helper take over because she seems “better” – schedule simple rituals like the morning feed or bath time to rebuild confidence and connection.

Some mothers talk about jealousy when they see their baby showing affection to the helper. From your perspective at Alliance Counselling, how should they handle that?

It’s common to feel a ‘heart-squeeze’ when your baby shows affection to the helper. Fear, jealousy and guilt are the flipside of love and connection.

The key is to notice these feelings without judgment. Treat jealousy like weather: acknowledge it, be kind to yourself, and move on. Forgive yourself quickly and focus on what matters – your ongoing relationship with your child.

Beyond emotions, what about the practical challenge of privacy and boundaries?

For many expats, having a stranger live in the home 24/7 is new, especially at such a vulnerable time. Managing a helper requires clarity, communication and cultural sensitivity.

Boundaries and expectations must be set. Skills can be taught, but personality fit and alignment with family dynamics are crucial for a sustainable arrangement.

On the flip side, what benefits don’t always get enough attention?

One of the biggest advantages is breathing space – the chance for mothers to rest, recover and lower stress. Helpers also provide practical support, from meals and chores to baby care, easing the daily load. Beyond that, their presence can act as a protective factor for maternal mental health, reducing the risk of postpartum depression, anxiety and burnout. In many ways, helpers step into the role once played by extended family. Even small acts – like holding the baby so a new mother can shower – contribute to wellbeing and resilience.

Can helpers actually protect a mother’s mental health?

Yes. Reduced workload lowers stress and can support mental health, though it’s no guarantee. A brain that is more rested is a more resilient brain.

After a traumatic birth, my helper changed my dressing and helped me shower. She was part nurse, caregiver and friend. That trust carried us through a difficult start.

With support, mothers can engage in enjoyable time with their baby rather than only functional care. For working mothers, a trusted helper can make the difference between constant strain and a manageable rhythm.

From the child’s perspective, how does having multiple attachment figures shape development?

Multiple positive attachment figures widen a child’s circle of safety. Consistent care from several adults offers extra stress buffering, lessons in trust and social practice in reading emotions. Children also learn who to seek out for what – play, comfort, routines – reflecting the natural diversity of caregiving.

And what about the helper’s side of this relationship?

For helpers, stepping into a household just as a baby arrives can be daunting. The balance of power sits with employers, so uncertainty carries real consequences for income, housing and visa status. A newborn can destabilise any household, and helpers may fear they’ll bear the brunt.

They may also develop deep attachments to the baby but worry about overstepping or being blamed if something goes wrong. Cultural differences can add to the stress, as values and baby care practices may clash.

What practical tips help build a healthy relationship with a helper?

A strong relationship begins with clear communication, firm boundaries and respect. See the helper as part of the “village” supporting your family, not as a threat. Define tasks and priorities early, set expectations in writing, explain your reasoning and demonstrate key routines. Expect a learning curve, give feedback, notice small improvements and stay patient.

Partners also play an important role by backing the mother’s decisions, handling disagreements privately and modelling respectful communication. Protect the arrangement with rest days, and be willing to reassess if the stress consistently outweighs the support.

Finally, at Alliance Counselling, what kind of reassurance do you give to mothers navigating mum guilt?

Allow yourself the full range of emotions. For expats, it’s often a brand-new experience that arrives during a vulnerable transition. You can’t control the emotions, but you can choose your response.

Don’t let mum guilt dictate your behaviour – whether that’s withdrawing from friends or trying to do everything yourself. Aim for balance: let the helper support you while you protect regular, uninterrupted moments with your baby. Simple daily rituals – a morning change, afternoon walk, or bedtime cuddle – rebuild confidence and connection.

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121 Upper East Coast Road, #02-01
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alliancecounselling.com.sg

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