By: Richard Lenton
Many of the chants heard at football matches are downright offensive, but amidst all the bile are some fantastically funny (and clean) offerings. Here are my top 20.
20: “His name is Rio and he watches from the stand”
This cleverly adapted Duran Duran tune was originally directed at Rio Ferdinand back in 2003 after he failed a drugs test and incurred an eight-month ban, but it’s returned this season as the former England defender has found himself out of favour at Old Trafford.
19: “When you’re sat in row Z, and the ball hits your head, that’s Zamora, that’s Zamora”
West Ham fans derided their own goal-shy striker Bobby Zamora to the tune of Dean Martin’s ‘That’s Amore’. Still regularly missing the target for QPR in the Championship.
18: “You’re nothing special, we lose every week”
Another West Ham effort during their defeat to Manchester City earlier this season when the Hammers were in the midst of a dismal run of form and looked in serious danger of dropping out of the EPL.
17: “He’s big, he’s red, his feet stick out the bed, Peter Crouch, Peter Crouch”
Sung by Liverpool fans to their beanpole striker; a man who believes that he would still be a virgin if he wasn’t a footballer…
16: “Your teeth are offside, your teeth are offside, Luis Suarez, your teeth are offside”
Manchester United fans crafted this little number about Liverpool forward Luis Suarez’s rather prominent gnashers. How they would love to see the buck-toothed Uruguayan in a United shirt…
15: “Deep fry yer pizzas, we’re gonna deep fry yer pizzas”
As long as it’s fried and full of grease, Scottish folk have a reputation for eating just about anything, including deep-fried Mars bars. Yes, really. Scotland fans belted this song out in a clever attempt to frighten their more culinary-proud Italian opponents during a World Cup qualifier in March 2007, before nipping out for a deep-fried Spaghetti Bolognese and a pint of something cold and fizzy.
14: “Bernt Haas! I’ve gone and Bernt my Haas. I’ve gone and Bernt my Haas. I’ve gone and Bernt my Haas. Bernt Haas…”
Childish? Yes. But West Bromwich Albion fans needed a laugh when they came up with this ditty about their former Austria defender during a dismal season in 2004-05.
13: “Chelsea, wherever you may be, keep your wife from John Terry”
Sung to the tune of ‘Lord Of The Dance’, Chelsea fans sounded out a warning to men the world over after their captain’s affair with former teammate Wayne Bridge’s ex-girlfriend was revealed.
12: “John Carew, Carew. He likes a lap-dance or two. He might even pay for you. John Carew, Carew”
When the giant Villa striker was caught visiting a gentlemen’s club in 2008, Villains fans came up with this little number, sung to the tune of ‘Que Sera Sera’ by Doris Day.
11: “He’s French, he’s quick, his name’s a porno flick,
A moving tribute to Arsenal’s ponytailed French midfielder Emmanuel Petit, in reference to the famous 1970s ‘adult art’ movie.
10: “He’s French, he’s flash, he’s dating Leslie Ash”
Okay, ‘dating’ is a substitute for the word used in the original version of the song aimed at Eric Cantona, who, during his Leeds United days, was allegedly playing away with the actress girlfriend of his teammate, Lee Chapman.
9: “Let’s pretend, let’s pretend, let’s pretend we scored a goal”
Sung by Aston Villa fans when they were 3-0 down away at Liverpool earlier this season. More gallows humour may be needed at Villa Park after four successive defeats has left them hovering above the drop zone.
8: “Fat Eddie Murphy, you’re just a fat Eddie Murphy”
Newcastle United fans loved to heckle Dutch striker Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink during his free scoring Chelsea days. Hasselbaink is now 42 and has been happily retired for six years, yet he would probably still walk into the Newcastle first team.
7: “What’s that coming over the hill, is it Chimbomda? Is it Chimbondaaaa?”
A tribute of sorts to former Spurs defender Pascal Chimbonda, sung to the tune of Monster by The Automatic.
6: “Ten men went to lift, went to lift Frank Lampard, ten men and their forklift truck went to lift Frank Lampard”The Chelsea midfielder was saddled with a reputation for being a tad overweight a few years ago, hence this variation of the song ‘Ten Men Went To Mow’.
5: “He’s red, he’s sound, he’s banned from every ground, Carra’s dad, Carra’s dad”
We also love Liverpool’s ‘We All Dream Of A Team Of Carraghers’ song, but this one was in reference to the former Liverpool legend’s dad, who was once arrested at a match for being drunk and disorderly and was subsequently banned from every stadium in the country.
4: “Park, Park, wherever you may be, you eat dogs in your home country. But it could be worse, you could be Scouse, eating rats in a council house!”
A thoroughly distasteful entry from Manchester United fans, sung to their arch-rivals Liverpool during the era of South Korean midfielder Park Ji-Sung.
3: “Sunday, Monday, Habib Beye. Tuesday, Wednesday, Habib Beye. Thursday, Friday, Habib Beye. Saturday, Habib Beye, rockin’ all week with you!”
A ‘Happy Days’ inspired belter created by Newcastle supporters in honour of their former Senegalese defender. Happy days are two words you wouldn’t associate with Newcastle and the Toon Army at present…
2: “Let’s talk about Cesc baby, let’s talk about Flamini, let’s talk about Dennis Bergkamp, Robert Pires and Henry”
Arsenal fans haven’t had a massive amount to cheer about in recent years, but this song to the tune of ‘Let’s Talk About Sex’ by Salt-n-Pepa is a bona fide classic.
1: “Don’t blame it on the Biscan, don’t blame it on the Hamann, don’t blame it on the Finnan, blame it on Traore. He just can’t, he just can’t, he just can’t control his feet”
A simply brilliant creation by Liverpool fans to the tune of ‘Blame It On The Boogie’ by the Jackson 5 after much-maligned defender Djimi Traore scored a spectacular own goal against Burnley in the FA Cup in January 2005. Four months later the same player would win a Champions League winner’s medal. Unbelievable.
This article first appeared in The New Paper. For more of this, follow me @richardlenton.