By: Lucy Cleeve
Living with a woman can be really tough, I know – I am one. Sometimes it feels like no matter what you do, she’s not happy.
You’ll be pleased to know that the answer is simple. To be better than the last guy, all you need to do is LIE.
“But honesty is paramount in a relationship,” I hear you scream. Sure, that’s true. But lying in the right way will make her happy, which makes you happy too. Plus it’ll probably lead to a bit more action between the sheets.
You say: “Matt called to see if I wanted to go for beers tonight. I said I’d actually rather go out for dinner with you. There’s this place I was reading about today (in EX, obviously), it sounds rather nice.”
– Scenario 1. Lovely dinner, lovely bottle of wine – she thinks you’re the best.
– Scenario 2. “Oh, you should go!” and so you do – she thinks you’re the best.
You say: “Al called about a boy’s weekend in Bangkok. It sounds fun but it’s the same weekend I thought we could go to Bali.”
– Scenario 1. You go to Bali for the weekend with a very happy lady and get massages and lots of sex. She thinks you’re the best.
– Scenario 2. She says, “You should go!” and so you do. She thinks you’re the best.
One of the guarantees in life is that your girlfriend/wife is going to ask you how she looks. Maybe you think her harem pants look like a giant nappy or that boxy top does nothing for her, but sir, there is no need to ever, ever mention these perfectly reasonable thoughts. Don’t say “fine”. Don’t say “nice”. Turn to that internal thesaurus and use “elegant”, “sophisticated” or even “ravishing”. You’ll be out of the door much quicker, too. To answer the inevitable “Does my bum look big in this?” The answer is ALWAYS no. Always.
Usually, it’s just her girlfriends and gay friends that give specific compliments. Listen boys, it’s not that hard. Just think outside the shoebox. “I love that blue on you!” “Those shoes make your legs look amazing.” “Have you done something different to your hair?” “Your skin is really ‘glowy’ at the moment”. You get the drift. For extra points, don’t wait until she asks. Just tell her. Be brief, but be specific.
What you really think is entirely irrelevant. Tell her you love her Mum. She can complain about her Mum until Newcastle win a Premier League title, but if you mention anything negative, ever, you will be a bad man. Same goes for her sisters. Just don’t. Don’t follow her tantalising lead.
She caught you looking at another woman? This is a tricky one, but here are a couple of potential solutions to try. “I was just thinking that dress would look amazing on you,” or “I think we’ve met her before, was she with (insert name of philandering friend) at that party?” Warning: these will work approximately once per year only.
Women love to believe that rather than just football, work, sex and beer, you’re actually thinking about them. Try this: “I kept thinking about (insert her current annoying situation at work) today. How did it all go?” She will love it.
Do you want to know a secret? She’s lying to you too. Size does matter. Often it wasn’t amazing for her too and “I promise I don’t mind” means she absolutely does. When she says “nothing” is wrong, that’s a big, fat lie, too. What she means is EVERYTHING IS WRONG and IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT.