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Edinburgh Fringe Festival takeaway: Our pick of the best jokes

There were so many zinging one-liners at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival this year that our idea of compiling a Top 10 blew out very quickly. We’ve ended up with a Top 26 instead. That means you’ll have a different joke up your sleeve to use on an unsuspecting listener once a fortnight for an entire year!

Inspirational quotes, funny stories, funny jokes. 

Just be careful though. Reading a few of these at one time is hilarious; reading them all in one go can be pun-ishing.

  1. “I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free. “ – Darren Walsh
  2. “I did a gig in a fertility clinic. I got a standing ovulation.” – Tim Vine
  3. “Dogs don’t love you. They’re just glad they don’t live in China.” – Romesh Ranganathan
  4. “I used to think an ocean of soda existed, but it was just a Fanta sea.” – Bec Hill
  5. “There are very few people at the Fringe these days doing Roman-numeral jokes. I is one.” – Chris Turner
  6. “Most of my life is spent avoiding conflict. I hardly ever visit Syria.” – Alex Horne
  7. “You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.” – Sara Pascoe
  8. “My dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.” – Mark Watson
  9. “When my wife and I argue, we’re like a band in concert: we start with some new stuff, and then we roll out our greatest hits.” – Frank Skinner
  10. “I am the one in my family who does all the driving, because my husband never learnt to drive – in my opinion.” – Jo Brand
  11. “My cat is recovering from a massive stroke.” – Darren Walsh
  12. “Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I’m reminded of the definition of a gentleman. It’s someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn’t.” – Gyles Brandreth
  13. “Victorians would have been great on social media. They’d have had their own emojis. Open brackets/close brackets means ‘I’ve got Rickets’“ – Hal Cruttenden
  14. “My mother wears the burka – mainly because she doesn’t want to be seen with my dad.” – Shazia Mirza
  15. “Recently in court, I was found guilty of being egotistical. I am appealing.” – Stewart Francis
  16. “Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That’s not a miracle. That’s tapas.” – Mark Nelson
  17. “Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse… but enough about Kanye West.” – Stewart Francis
  18. “What’s the difference between a ‘hippo’ and a ‘Zippo’? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.” – Masai Graham
  19. “If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn’t go.” – Dave Green
  20. “Red sky at night. Shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night. Day.” – Tom Parry
  21. “The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.” – Alun Cochrane
  22. “Clowns divorce. Custardy battle.” – Simon Munnery
  23. “I never lie on my CV… because it creases it.” – Jenny Collier
  24. “If you don’t know what introspection is you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.” – Ian Smith
  25. “Let me tell you a little about myself. It’s a reflexive pronoun that means ‘me’.” – Ally Houston
  26. “I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one to one time.” – Tom Ward
     

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