By: Lucy Cleeve
In 2008, Steve Jobs launched the first app store for the iPhone. It was exciting but there wasn’t too much to choose from. We had a little fun with Texas Hold’em and 4InARow, but many were sceptical about how useful this new world of “self-contained applications” would really be.
Fast-forward a mere six years, and apps make everyone’s lives easier, more efficient and more entertaining. Think of just about anything and yes, as the saying goes, there is an app for that.
Apps can tell us where we are and where we need to go. Need a great coffee shop nearby and maybe even a single girl to share it with? No problemo! Life with apps is sweet. But are all apps equal? Not on your life. Here are some of our current least favourites…
Health and Beauty
Losing your hair? Tough luck. I suppose you’re often thinking, “If only there was something I could do with my phone to stop this hereditary balding pattern.” Wait, what? According to makers, this app “generates various types of inaudible high and low frequencies to promote circulation around hair roots under the head skin and as a result, hair roots can be provided nutrition normally. And then you will have healthy abundant hair”. Sounds utterly legit – and anyway, you’re worth it.
Sitting on the toilet can be sooo boring. If you’ve read all those magazines, twice, how about connecting with like-minded toilet-sitters around the world. You can send messages and drawings to other poo-ers and get real-time stats on who else is pooing in your part of the world. You can even earn badges. Yes, really.
Aaarg, Pimples (free)
This app claims to be “the best and fastest pimple popper game around”… which makes us think, there’s more than one? Oh, and breaking news on this one. It’s just released an upgrade where you can “take a booth photo and pick your own zits!” There are in-app purchases to be made like “Zombie Pimples” and you can also share your high scores on Facebook.
Carrot Dating (free)
Dangle the right carrot and you’ll get the right woman? Yes, according to this app’s makers. You offer up a “gift” to the ladies of the world and if it’s what the ladies want (I guess, like a gold bullion they can dig for…?) then you get to date her. Brilliant! Relationship problems solved. Unless someone offers up a bigger carrot, presumably.
Because who can get through a three-hour flight without sex? Launching soon, Wingman will introduce all “singles” in your cramped economy section that fancy a romp in the 1ft-by-1ft stinky toilet. Sounds too good to be true, doesn’t it? We can only imagine the sort of quality Wingmen who use this thing.
You like Word With Friends? Yep, us too. But Scrabble gets so boring after a while and honestly, sometimes you’d rather have sex. Connecting up with Facebook (awkward), you’ll be given a list of all of your “friends”, and all you have to do is click on who you’d like to “bang”. Why didn’t we think of that? Oh, that’s right. Because it’s gross! Plus your Grandma is on Facebook. There’s also a BangWithProfessionals that works with your LinkedIn profile if you’d like to combine work with pleasure. We know plenty of people who’d like to stick it to their ex-bosses, so…
Leftover Swap (free)
Sometimes you attack a meal that simply defeats you and you wish you had a friend on hand to help you out. Just take a quick shot of that leftover chicken rice and your food pic with an accompanying map will be sent out to all app users. Then it’s first in, first served. We love the idea of less waste…but, really?
Sometimes it’s hard to remember what you had for dinner last night. Did I have Spaghetti Bolognese or did I eat rotten fish? Luckily, someone has created a clever app to keep track (of the weird stuff anyway).
You can’t always rely on a partner to tell you if you’re a good kisser or not. Luckily, you can now go all out with your iPhone screen and it will let you know your kissing technique rating. And hey, if you get a really high score, show it off and share it! That will be sure to get you the girl.
Yes, you are. And if you have purchased this handy app you can track the periods of any number of women you are currently seeing. It claims, “You will know about her period and her mood”. Yes, you are a man – just a really creepy one.
One of the toughest questions you’ll ever ask. Thankfully, someone has seen your hesitation and built this app to make things a whole lot easier, and oh, so romantic. Fellas, she will love it. You simply choose a ring from the in-app store and at the touch of a button, a heart-shaped box will appear on your screen. Apparently, your future wife will “instinctively try to open it by swiping upwards, the Wedding March will play and a pop-up screen will appear asking ‘Darling, will you marry me?’” What could possibly go wrong?
Sad news. This app was pulled last year, so unless you already bought this one, unfortunately no one will be impressed by your richness just by looking at your phone. But if you got in, like many people reportedly did last year, you would’ve received a red gem that floated on your screen – showing others your financial prowess. Nice.
Ever wondered what the ghosts who are in your vicinity are thinking? Good. Get this app. It will send you messages (many messages), which scroll, silently, eerily across your screen. You see, developers have worked out the technology to message nearby ghosts and spirits by tracking “certain environmental elements” around your iPhone and “examining values within the device that a spirit should theoretically be able to manipulate.” Oh, thanks for clearing that up.
Your birthday should be all about you, right? You can’t be expected to cook or clean or, like, blow out candles on a cake. Luckily, there’s a (cr)app for that. Using “secret hardware features” of your iOS device you can turn your phone into a “blower”. Cool.