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For Guys

Billy Connolly’s top ten jokes

Believe it or not, veteran funnyman Billy Connolly is now into his 70s. Here are EX mag’s top 10 gags from The Big Yin.

An oldie but a goodie 

10: “My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.”

9: “If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can’t have a headache and sex at the same time?”

8: “I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.”

7: “I worry about the strangest things. Like, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the mornings? That can keep me awake for days.”

6: “Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosy… Doesn’t try it on.”

5: “My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of The Lone Ranger.”

4: “Have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?”

3: “That man (Ronald Reagan), he sits at that desk in the White House, and the button is there that can end the world: BOOM! My father’s younger than him and we don’t give him the controls for the television!”

2: “Do you remember that politician who died wearing the fishnet tights and all that? Aw, his poor family. I wonder how they dress him in the coffin?”

1: “The great thing about Glasgow is that if there’s a nuclear attack it’ll look exactly the same afterwards.”